Oh, gosh. This so pulled at my heartstrings and resonated with my journey. - I don't even remember when I signed up for this but it fit so synchronicitously with my journey today in this moment. I like what you say about posting timelines, because that's why I switched to monthly(ish). This season of my life, where I'm an Mdiv-graduate who got right up to the ending of licensure and experienced some health challenges that kept me from finishing, who doesn't go to church or a faith community regularly. I decided that today, I don't have to. Tomorrow, I don't have to either. It's my life, it's my journey, and I have the ability to choose. I see you, I hear you, and though you don't know me as more than a comment on a wall - solidarity in the wilderness journey. I hang out at Evolving Faith when I need some sustenance, blast Lauren Daigle when I need, drop in some One Day by Matisyahu, write with waterfall sounds in the background, appreciate the falling snow. You are not the only traveler in the wilderness, if you would call it that. We are a growing community of former ministers and ministers on sabbatical and ministers whose pulpits are keyboards. :) Haha, that thought made me chuckle. Thank you for sharing this... May you find what you need and need what you find! :)
I had to put God on hold awhile. Didn’t go to church, couldn’t pray except those times God sent me a prayer through a beautiful moon or lake or something to remind me that prayer was a two-way thing. If I couldn’t pray, God would pray for me. Eventually I made my way back to church and found that my time off had been a good thing. Praying for you (and God is, too).
On you last question, right now i am at the kitchen table, still in my cat in the hat sleep pants, glueing snowflakes together out of popsicle sticks for my wife's head start preschool class party tomorrow. With some NPR afternoon jazz on the radio, i guess there must be a sermon in there somewhere.
( hey, we miss you, come do a kardia lumina prayer thing for/with us sometime)
I'm at the point of withdrawing from my "clerical duties" not putting "god" on hold. Just putting the peopley stuff on hold and maybe it will be a long-term or even permanent thing. Your candor and vulnerability was comforting and encouraging, though I do "feel your angst" because our profession isn't just a job, it is WHO we are. But I'm much older than you and so I do know that you (as am i) are much much more than your collara. Be well, Go gently. Stay curious. Come back as you are able. I'll keep a candle burning in the window. +
I don't even know how I subscribed to this blog, but it appeared in my inbox today. I totally understand where you are coming from. I live alone, and spend an awful lot of time in the quiet, and a fair amount of time in the contemplative. Although I have pushed myself to become active in my church community (after some severe self-isolation) every once in a while it is necessary to spend a Sunday morning at home, alone. I spend more time in my Bible study, I drink my coffee slowly. If I am disciplined and timely, I might watch my church service online, or actually complete a yoga session (been a long time since that happened though.) Anyway, I get it, and while I have a burning desire to be seen and be heard, social media does not seem like the right place to express every detail of my struggles, transitions, doubts and failures. Thanks for reminding us about self-care; it's a difficult thing to remember.
Matthew David, I cannot imagine being in the public and nor would I want to be. You take the time you need to just be you. You are loved, prayed for and cherished!!!
Matthew David, I am so glad you were brave enough to listen to your heart and make moves to take care of you. No need to feel guilty about caring for you. Sunday mornings when not in church, I might be in pajama’s watching a favorite movie,taking a walk, shopping for a donation for food pantry. As several people have mentioned if you ever want to be with friends but not have to share your privacy,drop in at Karelia sometime.....but not as David Matthew, leader and host, just as David Matthew,friend....
My dear, my dear, my dear... as hard as it for us to understand, there is no countdown to count on or deadline to meet. Your health is left to God and it sounds like They want you to listen to your body...to your heart. You have given us the gift of you, now we want --INSIST-- that you gift that to yourself. You take all the time you need. As Chuck says, "we'll leave the light on for ya." Love you, Ma!
David, I have been ordained for 20 years... serving continuously, until one year ago I was forced to resign. I confessed to my bishop that I had been faithful to my heart and unfaithful in my marriage. The result has been a dismembering year of no church, eventually, no marriage, and trying to understand who I am outside of the community where I found purpose, resurrection, and healing. God has been present in this wilderness and I’m learning more about myself and God and love and life than ever knew I didn’t know... but it is a damn hard way to learn it. And I’m never sure what part of my life is God calling me to share in community- and what part remains private? Or is it just a matter of when? When have I metabolized this trauma enough that the wounds have become healing for others? Or am I called to share vulnerable humble wisdom in the midst of the journey? I don’t know.
First, I'm so glad to hear from you. I've worried and prayed that you were okay. I also miss your wisdom words.
Second, over the last year I've slowly withdrawn from my church home of the last almost 30 years. I'm still not sure I want to replace it with something else. I have found two communities that may fit but both are quite far and, therefore, mostly online. I miss sitting in a pew. I don't miss being an insider knowing all the junk that goes into and comes out of a church. Right now, I'm content to be a drifter. I find peace and calm and can strip my faith down to the bare bones.
I appreciate your vulnerability, Matthew David. I pray that you will find peace and keep us as part of your community. You are part of mine. 💕🙏
So pleased to see you here....pleased that you are listening to your heart even if you aren’t certain of all it is saying. Growth and clarity can feel obscure even in the present moments of our lives, it is however fluid and ever changing. I can imagine myself how putting one’s self out there for public consumption can suddenly (of over time) begin to feel different and a need to hide away takes over, responding in this way is a lifeline of love to give one’s self. It has certainly been present on my path..I am one who does not readily share myself in a public way. I need to feel safe and to be able to trust my audience, yet even in those situations I don’t feel comfortable enough to risk exposure. I often choose to remain more internal with my thoughts and feelings. I sometimes use art to express my internal world but even that part of me is hard to share out loud. It is very understandable and acceptable (not that you/ we need approval of others) to make whatever choices we make for ourselves. There remains a struggle to find ways to overcome the uncomfortable if it offers personal or spiritual growth. Then the struggle gets all the attention and that only causes more suffering. Life is funny like that...discernment is always necessary in the process, so is curiosity and a willingness to try new ways of being. Onward we all go, one foot in front of the other, that simple thought actually helps me a great deal, no leaps necessary. As far as what to do on Sundays without church (besides the occasional guilt), there are so many other ways to pray and love and appreciate God. Sometimes just an ordinary day of kindness towards myself or doing something special by myself or with someone else can be lovely. I have in the last 4 months been known to re- watch past sermons or writings of yours because they always lift me. Through yourself and Nadia as well as Rev. Cindy and others I have been given so many gifts to help me on my own spiritual path and earthly living which are often one in the same. Showing up in Kardia Lumina for daily prayer continues to be a huge blessing...I can’t imagine life without this in it. There is so much love there. I hope you know that who ever you need to be in any given moment is enough. And when you are not visible here in Heartsong I now know that you are loving yourself and taking care to nurture what is needed for growing in all the moments you are away. Sending you love and grace in each day.
These transitional times can be difficulty... like quick sand, flotsam and jetsam, foggy, mercurial... waiting, pausing, complex and mysterious. I encourage you to be purposefully patient and gracious toward yourself as you look inward and to a far horizon. Word of God, speak to to the questioning soul and walk behind, beside and before as we seek, wonder, wander, and move on...
Dec 11, 2022·edited Dec 11, 2022Liked by Matt Morris
Oh, Matthew David, it's good to hear from you. I hope you can come to feel okay about living your life quietly -- off stage, out of the spotlight, and even away from social media -- for a while or for however long you need to. Wishing you clarity, and peace, and lots of love. As for me and Sunday mornings, I'm trying to get myself back to church at least some of the time, though the temptation is always to be traipsing around outside instead. I also now belong to the Order of the Sacred Earth, which doesn't require me to be anywhere in particular on Sundays.
In a different season here. Spent last 2 days at church....Yesterday was the service of a good friend and then food and meeting folks. Today was a service that was primarily music, John Nilsen played the piano for us. Then another funeral service for someone's husband who just passed. It actually was a great time of fellowship and connection and being with people who are in need of comfort.. And being of service looking like cooking and cleaning and assisting others. Beautiful flowers and scenery and songs....candles....but doesn't mean I go every Sunday.....sometimes something else calls, but this weekend being with others was fine. And I am not a priest or pastor....so it is not a job...I can just show up....
Oh, gosh. This so pulled at my heartstrings and resonated with my journey. - I don't even remember when I signed up for this but it fit so synchronicitously with my journey today in this moment. I like what you say about posting timelines, because that's why I switched to monthly(ish). This season of my life, where I'm an Mdiv-graduate who got right up to the ending of licensure and experienced some health challenges that kept me from finishing, who doesn't go to church or a faith community regularly. I decided that today, I don't have to. Tomorrow, I don't have to either. It's my life, it's my journey, and I have the ability to choose. I see you, I hear you, and though you don't know me as more than a comment on a wall - solidarity in the wilderness journey. I hang out at Evolving Faith when I need some sustenance, blast Lauren Daigle when I need, drop in some One Day by Matisyahu, write with waterfall sounds in the background, appreciate the falling snow. You are not the only traveler in the wilderness, if you would call it that. We are a growing community of former ministers and ministers on sabbatical and ministers whose pulpits are keyboards. :) Haha, that thought made me chuckle. Thank you for sharing this... May you find what you need and need what you find! :)
I had to put God on hold awhile. Didn’t go to church, couldn’t pray except those times God sent me a prayer through a beautiful moon or lake or something to remind me that prayer was a two-way thing. If I couldn’t pray, God would pray for me. Eventually I made my way back to church and found that my time off had been a good thing. Praying for you (and God is, too).
On you last question, right now i am at the kitchen table, still in my cat in the hat sleep pants, glueing snowflakes together out of popsicle sticks for my wife's head start preschool class party tomorrow. With some NPR afternoon jazz on the radio, i guess there must be a sermon in there somewhere.
( hey, we miss you, come do a kardia lumina prayer thing for/with us sometime)
I'm at the point of withdrawing from my "clerical duties" not putting "god" on hold. Just putting the peopley stuff on hold and maybe it will be a long-term or even permanent thing. Your candor and vulnerability was comforting and encouraging, though I do "feel your angst" because our profession isn't just a job, it is WHO we are. But I'm much older than you and so I do know that you (as am i) are much much more than your collara. Be well, Go gently. Stay curious. Come back as you are able. I'll keep a candle burning in the window. +
I don't even know how I subscribed to this blog, but it appeared in my inbox today. I totally understand where you are coming from. I live alone, and spend an awful lot of time in the quiet, and a fair amount of time in the contemplative. Although I have pushed myself to become active in my church community (after some severe self-isolation) every once in a while it is necessary to spend a Sunday morning at home, alone. I spend more time in my Bible study, I drink my coffee slowly. If I am disciplined and timely, I might watch my church service online, or actually complete a yoga session (been a long time since that happened though.) Anyway, I get it, and while I have a burning desire to be seen and be heard, social media does not seem like the right place to express every detail of my struggles, transitions, doubts and failures. Thanks for reminding us about self-care; it's a difficult thing to remember.
Matthew David, I cannot imagine being in the public and nor would I want to be. You take the time you need to just be you. You are loved, prayed for and cherished!!!
Matthew David, I am so glad you were brave enough to listen to your heart and make moves to take care of you. No need to feel guilty about caring for you. Sunday mornings when not in church, I might be in pajama’s watching a favorite movie,taking a walk, shopping for a donation for food pantry. As several people have mentioned if you ever want to be with friends but not have to share your privacy,drop in at Karelia sometime.....but not as David Matthew, leader and host, just as David Matthew,friend....
My dear, my dear, my dear... as hard as it for us to understand, there is no countdown to count on or deadline to meet. Your health is left to God and it sounds like They want you to listen to your body...to your heart. You have given us the gift of you, now we want --INSIST-- that you gift that to yourself. You take all the time you need. As Chuck says, "we'll leave the light on for ya." Love you, Ma!
David, I have been ordained for 20 years... serving continuously, until one year ago I was forced to resign. I confessed to my bishop that I had been faithful to my heart and unfaithful in my marriage. The result has been a dismembering year of no church, eventually, no marriage, and trying to understand who I am outside of the community where I found purpose, resurrection, and healing. God has been present in this wilderness and I’m learning more about myself and God and love and life than ever knew I didn’t know... but it is a damn hard way to learn it. And I’m never sure what part of my life is God calling me to share in community- and what part remains private? Or is it just a matter of when? When have I metabolized this trauma enough that the wounds have become healing for others? Or am I called to share vulnerable humble wisdom in the midst of the journey? I don’t know.
I’m glad you are asking similar questions.
First, I'm so glad to hear from you. I've worried and prayed that you were okay. I also miss your wisdom words.
Second, over the last year I've slowly withdrawn from my church home of the last almost 30 years. I'm still not sure I want to replace it with something else. I have found two communities that may fit but both are quite far and, therefore, mostly online. I miss sitting in a pew. I don't miss being an insider knowing all the junk that goes into and comes out of a church. Right now, I'm content to be a drifter. I find peace and calm and can strip my faith down to the bare bones.
I appreciate your vulnerability, Matthew David. I pray that you will find peace and keep us as part of your community. You are part of mine. 💕🙏
So pleased to see you here....pleased that you are listening to your heart even if you aren’t certain of all it is saying. Growth and clarity can feel obscure even in the present moments of our lives, it is however fluid and ever changing. I can imagine myself how putting one’s self out there for public consumption can suddenly (of over time) begin to feel different and a need to hide away takes over, responding in this way is a lifeline of love to give one’s self. It has certainly been present on my path..I am one who does not readily share myself in a public way. I need to feel safe and to be able to trust my audience, yet even in those situations I don’t feel comfortable enough to risk exposure. I often choose to remain more internal with my thoughts and feelings. I sometimes use art to express my internal world but even that part of me is hard to share out loud. It is very understandable and acceptable (not that you/ we need approval of others) to make whatever choices we make for ourselves. There remains a struggle to find ways to overcome the uncomfortable if it offers personal or spiritual growth. Then the struggle gets all the attention and that only causes more suffering. Life is funny like that...discernment is always necessary in the process, so is curiosity and a willingness to try new ways of being. Onward we all go, one foot in front of the other, that simple thought actually helps me a great deal, no leaps necessary. As far as what to do on Sundays without church (besides the occasional guilt), there are so many other ways to pray and love and appreciate God. Sometimes just an ordinary day of kindness towards myself or doing something special by myself or with someone else can be lovely. I have in the last 4 months been known to re- watch past sermons or writings of yours because they always lift me. Through yourself and Nadia as well as Rev. Cindy and others I have been given so many gifts to help me on my own spiritual path and earthly living which are often one in the same. Showing up in Kardia Lumina for daily prayer continues to be a huge blessing...I can’t imagine life without this in it. There is so much love there. I hope you know that who ever you need to be in any given moment is enough. And when you are not visible here in Heartsong I now know that you are loving yourself and taking care to nurture what is needed for growing in all the moments you are away. Sending you love and grace in each day.
These transitional times can be difficulty... like quick sand, flotsam and jetsam, foggy, mercurial... waiting, pausing, complex and mysterious. I encourage you to be purposefully patient and gracious toward yourself as you look inward and to a far horizon. Word of God, speak to to the questioning soul and walk behind, beside and before as we seek, wonder, wander, and move on...
Missed you.
Oh, Matthew David, it's good to hear from you. I hope you can come to feel okay about living your life quietly -- off stage, out of the spotlight, and even away from social media -- for a while or for however long you need to. Wishing you clarity, and peace, and lots of love. As for me and Sunday mornings, I'm trying to get myself back to church at least some of the time, though the temptation is always to be traipsing around outside instead. I also now belong to the Order of the Sacred Earth, which doesn't require me to be anywhere in particular on Sundays.
Much love to you today and with a grateful heart I say thank you.
In a different season here. Spent last 2 days at church....Yesterday was the service of a good friend and then food and meeting folks. Today was a service that was primarily music, John Nilsen played the piano for us. Then another funeral service for someone's husband who just passed. It actually was a great time of fellowship and connection and being with people who are in need of comfort.. And being of service looking like cooking and cleaning and assisting others. Beautiful flowers and scenery and songs....candles....but doesn't mean I go every Sunday.....sometimes something else calls, but this weekend being with others was fine. And I am not a priest or pastor....so it is not a job...I can just show up....